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Finding My Father Set Me Free

Finding My Father Set Me Free

In my last post, I talked about how after 38 years of not knowing who my father was, I finally found the answer. I thought that solving that mystery would just be filling in that blank that I had always wondered about. But it was so much more than that.

A few days later, I was on a walk just pondering all that had happened (there’s so much more to the story that I haven’t revealed yet). As I was thinking  about it, it was like God lifted a veil from my eyes, so that I could see that He had been working in this all along. I was a part of His plan, even before I was born. This thing that I thought was just a pain point in my life was actually so much bigger than me, and has a purpose greater than I know.

When I realized all of this, I felt lighter because I also realized that for most of my life I believed a terrible lie. This lie was the reason for my driven nature, my need to succeed. Since I was little, I always had to be the best at what I was good at.  I had a singular focus that I thought was my strength, but it really revealed my insecurity. I had a work ethic like no other whether in school, in a job, in fitness, or trying to start a business. It was almost obsessive. I realized it’s because I was trying to prove my value. 

I always felt like I wasn’t good enough, or that I was trying to run from where I came from. So I would wrap up my worth in my success. And when I failed, it would send me spiraling into a dark place. If my worth was tied to my success, what does it mean when I fail?

As God was showing me that He always had a purpose for me, I had to face the lie. The lie that said I was a mistake, an accident, unplanned, and unwanted. That may have been how some saw me, but it was never how God saw me. That truth has been so freeing. When God says I’m a valuable part of His plan, then who do I need to prove myself to?

 

When You See Your Face on a Stranger

When You See Your Face on a Stranger

It’s hard to even know where to begin. At the start of the year, I know that God has been taking me on a journey, preparing me for the purpose He has for me. He has taken me from someone who was always on the move striving for success to someone who sits still and waits for direction. He revealed to me that He wants me to write a book, but not just any book. One that comes from my greatest pain. This platform of pain will bring healing to so many.

So I began to write. I wrote as much as I could, but then I got stuck. I became frustrated, and began to doubt. Then God showed me that He is the one who will write this story.

Even as, I am typing, I realize that for most of my life I have believed a great lie, a lie that is trying to keep me from sharing this testimony. I never knew my father. I knew nothing about him, not his name, what he looked like, nothing. It was just a big blank space in my life. It has not only been a mystery to me my whole life, but it’s been a shame that I have carried around with me. That shame is a lie. It’s not mine to carry. I won’t let the devil use it to stop me from sharing one of the greatest miracles I have ever experienced.

The entire story is way too long to put in a blog post, so I am only going to share a small part of it. Last week, I got my results back from AncestryDNA. My DNA was matched to relatives who were clearly not from my mother’s side (I am mixed race). Thus began a journey of discovery. I traced these matches to my paternal grandparents. I had hit a dead end in searching for my father a long time ago. This seemed too good to be true. But it was true….

Over the course of the next few days, I finally got the answer to a thirty-eight year old question. I had found my father. He had died four years ago. But I found cousins, siblings, and a large Midwestern family (not what I expected, having been born and raised in the Northeast).

And God is still working an even greater miracle in the family that I never knew.  I will literally have to write a book. Only God could have written this story. I look forward to sharing it, especially with those who desperately need to hear it.