This year has been so difficult, and we aren’t even through February yet. My life in general is pretty good. My family is healthy and well provided for. I really have no legitimate reasons to complain. My struggle hasn’t been a physical one, but spiritual. As I have committed to spending time reading and meditating on Scripture every morning and expecting God to move, I have been battling my own self will as well as spiritual attacks like I have never experienced before. At times, I have felt that I just might break. I can go back in my journal and see days where I could not write more than a verse down. But God’s Word is the greatest weapon I have against these attacks, and on my lowest day, God brought me to Luke 12: 6-7:
Are not five sparrows sold for two pennies? Yet not one of them is forgotten by God. Indeed, the very hairs of your head are all numbered. Don’t be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows.
I remember forcing myself to write that down through tears, not even fully grasping it, and probably not really believing it. But that day, God allowed me to rest and feel renewed both physically and spiritually. What I realized is that the reason I felt so low was because I felt useless, and Satan took that and ran with it. God placed in my heart a desire to help others, to be generous, to see a need and help meet that need. I have been given so much, and I grew up learning from my mom who is always giving to others. For some reason, this past week, that desire to give just raged within me, but what I have to give just doesn’t feel like enough. I want to be able to give more.
So I have been praying, “God, how can I give more?”. God keeps bringing up, use what you have. Wait…what do I have? It blows my mind how God works…it really does because, right now, I have a tremendous and unique opportunity that will allow me to be able to give in ways that I can’t even fathom.
As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts. -Isaiah 55:9
I went to bed December 31, 2017 believing 2018 would be all about me. I was excited because I had finally connected myself to someone who could actually help me take my business to the next level, rather God connected me to this person (I really believe that). The last couple of weeks I have struggled on what to do because I know that God didn’t want me chasing after success and wealth for myself. So I have been standing here with these incredible tools in my hands and this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity but not wanting to use them because I didn’t know if it was the right thing. Was I burying my talents, when I could be investing them in the Kingdom?
What if the purpose of my January experience was not only to remind me to stop neglecting my spiritual gift, but also to shift my mindset from wealth building to generously giving? Honestly I’m not sure. All I know, is that I can’t just stand here. I have to take a step. God will either shut that door, or he will blow it wide open.