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Patience is not a virtue that I currently possess, however, I think it’s one that the Lord is working on diligently in me. I like to be busy, always doing something. Not that I don’t have plenty to do taking care of my home and family, but my down time now is actually down time. It’s quiet. It’s been so long since I’ve had quiet, that I feel lost in it. I was hoping that God would put me to work on something right away. After all, January was a whirlwind, and I thrive in that flutter of “doing”. But now, God has called me to wait. Ugh.

 

I mean, who is in the habit of waiting these days? With fast food, microwaves, and Amazon Prime, there is no need to wait for hardly anything anymore. My patient muscle is way out of shape. God has taken away all of the things that I have busied myself with, so now I have to make use of the quiet. As an introvert, I like quiet. It allows me to think and be introspective and observe. I realized that the reason I like being so busy is because it drowns out the noise in my head, the things about myself that I don’t like, the failures, the hurts, the losses.

When faced with challenges, I have always chosen flight over fight. Since I was a child, I would escape into books and read every book I could find, imagining myself to be the hero or heroine of the story. I loved school because school wasn’t home. As a teenager and young adult, I loved sleep, because I could dream my life was completely different than the painful and lonely reality that it was. As an adult, it becomes a little more difficult to hide, but I would run to food and television. Finally, I ran to work and success. These were all just temporary fixes because they weren’t the One that could heal my pain.

This morning I read from Luke 8, and I struggled with understanding any of it. I felt a bit distant from God. Admittedly, I was a little annoyed to be in this waiting period, but I prayed that He would show me something. And so He did…

“No one lights a lamp and hides it in a clay jar or puts it under a bed. Instead, they put it on a stand, so that those who come in can see the light.  For there is nothing hidden that will not be disclosed, and nothing concealed that will not be known or brought out into the open. Therefore consider carefully how you listen. Whoever has will be given more; whoever does not have, even what they think they have will be taken from them.” (vs. 16-18)

One day Jesus said to his disciples, “Let us go over to the other side of the lake.” So they got into a boat and set out.  As they sailed, he fell asleep. A squall came down on the lake, so that the boat was being swamped, and they were in great danger. The disciples went and woke him, saying, “Master, Master, we’re going to drown!” He got up and rebuked the wind and the raging waters; the storm subsided, and all was calm.  “Where is your faith?” he asked his disciples. In fear and amazement they asked one another, “Who is this? He commands even the winds and the water, and they obey him.” (vs 22-24)

God turned on a light in me, and He has been revealing himself and His will for me, albeit ever so slowly. But this light that is revealing all these amazing things, is also uncovering some weaknesses and vulnerabilities that I can no longer ignore, because what He is calling me to requires that I leave nothing open for Satan to use against me. It is like I am sitting on an airplane that hasn’t left the gate yet. I sit there and wonder “what is taking so long!! I got places to go!” And then the pilot gets on the speaker and says, “Sorry for the delay. We are experiencing some maintenance issues with one of the engines.”  Other than thinking, I want off this thing now! Get me a new plane! I also realize that I am so thankful that they do these maintenance checks before we are 3000 feet in the air.

As He strips away these things that I have used as hiding places, I am forced to deal with the storm raging in my head. But to me He says, “You are not alone. I am with you. I am the one who can calm the storm. Be still. Have faith. I am on your side.”

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